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10-07-2007, 05:11 PM
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#1
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Friend's Killing Himself . . . how to help the extremely overweight?
So I'm visiting this friend of mine, we were pals back in grade school, and then he moved away and began eating . . . obsessively. Its so bad now that we really can't do anything together, doing anything, going anywhere, is quite a fiasco. First of all, I hate to see a friend doing this to himself. I want to slap him around shake him out of this habit, but I know its not that easy. I want to help, I want to have a serious talk with him but I don't want to risk losing a friend. We are going to have this talk, I feel like its my duty, but I just don't know where to start.
Also, I'm a bit mad because I'm in Seattle and I have a lot of people up here I wanted to meet and hang out with, but I feel bad because my buddy took a lot of time off of work just to hang out with me, and in his shape he can't be running around doing all this with me. Grrrrrr . . . . just stressed I guess. I hate seeing a friend, anyone, doing this to themselves.
Just venting I guess . . . . . .
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10-07-2007, 06:11 PM
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#2
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maybe try not to start off with a big, serious talk. he might feel.. i dunno, attacked? not really the right word. confronted maybe. If the subject comes up (has he mentioned at all that he is out of shape or is he in complete denial?), positive statements like "If you need help with that, I'm here for you" can lead to a more friendly conversation about it. When you think a friend is going through problems, I think it's best to coax it out of them and get them to talk about it, rather than sitting them down and saying "you have this problem and you need to do this about it" etc. Try not to start off with scare tactics like 'you're killing yourself', even if you think he is. Make it sound like there are lots of options for him, and that it's a normal problem that a lot of people experience (which is true) so there is a lot of help out there if you are willing to go out and get it.
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10-09-2007, 11:07 AM
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#3
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Don't cut the red wire...
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Not sure just how overweight we're talking about, but likely, he's needing to get some treatment to help him on his way (surgery or antidepressants). He's getting that whole reward cycle from eating, and it's a tough one to break (like a drug habit)
Like a drug problem, though, I disagree with Aliz on this one... I feel it would take some straight talk to wake him up - what he's doing to himself and to those around him by eating himself to death... For most people, it takes a significant emotional event for them to change that sort of self destructive behavior.
You don't have to be hostile to tell him the truth... and I dunno if trying to tiptoe around it is a good thing (unlike drugs, weight comes with self-esteem issues, and nobody wants to hurt their feelings).
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10-09-2007, 11:23 AM
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#4
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hey take it from me, I had a few bad things happen to me in the past few years (not to make excuses, but it happens), including a few deaths in the family and an ended engagement. I have been very thin my whole life because prior to joining the military I was a competetive swimmer, but all the sudden I had gained 40-45 lbs. I didn't even realize it until I saw some pictures from when I came home for lave last year and I about shit. thankfully I'm almost back to normal.
it's hard and sometimes you don't realize your bad habits or you don't realize how serious it is. compulsive overeating is as serious as anorexia or bullemia. so your friend probably does need your help. maybe show him some pictures from what he used to loook like. that was a big wakeup for me to make healthier choices. also there are a lot of support groups out there and things like weight watchers, but the bottom line is, he has to see it and he has to realize he's got the issue or he can't make the effort. if he doesn't want to see it, there isn't a lot you can do.
good luck!
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10-09-2007, 11:48 AM
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#5
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People who are really fat I think are in a situation where I don't know if talking to them would help. I don't know how fat we're talking about here, but I mean the people who are going to need the extra seat on an airplane, or stomach-stapling surgery candidates.
I used to work at this little company in high school doing errands and whatnot, and the head of HR there was probably 400 pounds. It got to the point where she would ask me to do trivial things around the office and eventually I realized that she couldn't get up the stairs to the second floor. Every once in a while she would have to go up there for something personally, and it would take ages. 2 steps, then rest a few minutes, etc. We're talking like 20 stairs here.
Anyway, when you've gotten to that point you must know that you've seriously fucked yourself up. If it is a case of just overeating I don't know that having someone talk to you about it would help, because you're suffering every day. I think in those cases only a doctor can help, a shrink is really needed at a minimum. Maybe talking to them would give them a push to see a psychologist but I have a hard time imagining that a friend could just talk to them and change their habits.
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10-09-2007, 03:10 PM
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#6
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Well . . . I was all ready to have a big talk with him before I left Seattle (yesterday). I was going to go with an approach similar to aliz's, although I think it depends on the person as to how I'd approach them. I've had weight problems before too, in fact all through high school, and it took a clear and obvious reason that I needed to get fit (joining the military) to break me of it. But I think he's so far gone that he's lost sight of any healthy lifestyle.
But anyways, I didn't say anything. I really wish I had. I was waiting for the right time/right mood, and it just never came. And I dunno if this is the kinda thing I'd want to talk about on the phone. I feel guilty now, I really think if any of his friends can get through to him it'd be me.
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10-09-2007, 03:12 PM
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#7
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It really worries me that he'll loose his job because he can't function too well there, even a desk job is probably rough for him now. It'd probably be just about impossible for him to find another job. And if he continues, he won't be able to fit behind a steering wheel anymore. I wish his family would get more involved with this!
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Right Now: Grad schoolin' at the Columbia School of Int'l & Public Affairs
Next Up: The real world ... where one has to work, hopefully doing some sort of mediation/conflict resolution gig.
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10-12-2007, 02:48 PM
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#8
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What's interesting is that telling a fat person that they're fat and need to do something about it usually makes them feel either angry or totally depressed. Even if you're doing it because you care, yatta yatta. I don't understand what makes one person differ from another when combating an addiction, but it seems that some realize they've hit rock bottom (necessary for quitting something) and then try to help themselves, while others shut their eyes to it. You can try to help him, of course, and I'm sure he'd love to hear that you care about him even if it's over the phone, but unless he decides on his own that he needs a change, there's not much anyone else can do.
I don't know what to tell you except that even though you care about him immensly, don't let this drag you down. If he gets really sick it's not your fault. All you can do is be a good, supportive friend. The rest is up to him.
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